So I just got diagnosed with swine flu. I went out Saturday night to a shit club filled with foreign chicks and twats beaming with youthful health. I woke up late on Sunday accompanied by a small frog with a slight croak in the throat, standard procedure after a heavy night out. However, by Monday that small frog had evolved into a beast of a toad. He'd lost the croak and now had a fucking bark, it hurt. I had to run some errands so I gargled some Disperin, grew some bigger balls and left, thinking nothing except "that fucking Finnish bird has given me a motherfucking throat infection". Throughout the day I started to really ache, like annoyingly bad, but I toughed it out and got my shit done. By night-time I was pretty damn tired, so I went for an early night. The morning hours were bullshit, I woke up at about 2.30am feeling like serious crap and drenched in sweat. My covers felt like they were scratching my skin and I'm talking 100% natural cotton, no polyester cheap shit. My stomach felt like I had been mixing drinks and was due a tactical vomit, which I was trying to hold the phone on - 'that bitch has fucked me up good' I thought. Trying to hold in my stomach didn't last long and I was soon spewing into the bin.
The next morning that cunting toad had grown a massive cock and balls and was spunking over my capability to talk. I was also aching more than yesterday and felt a little nauseous - time to call the doctor. After I had drunk enough tea to win back my voice and after talking to some receptionist about how I needed some advice, straight away, she said, "So you think you have swine flu?"
"I dunno" I said, so the doctor rang me back and asked about all my symptoms. Turns out, it 'sounds like you have swine flu' and should 'just stay inside for a while and ring back if you feel worse' - so that's what im doing. A day after speaking to the doctor I feel way better, I just ache a bit, have a frog with a semi-hard knob in my throat, but the annoying thing is I can't go out for another week. So if you get swine flu you are looking at one night of feeling like shit and a few days of aches and pains and frogs in the throat, so in between masturbating and doing boring stuff like sorting out files on your desktop, prepare to spend a lot of time on 4oD and BBC iPlayer. It's just an excuse to be lazy as fuck really, which leads me to the conclusion that, swine flu ain't shit.